As summer turns to fall and the school year begins, I feel my anxiety rising.
Last fall and winter brought illness. A LOT of illness. And, with that illness came seizures. A LOT of seizures. And as a result there were ambulance rides, and days spent in the hospital, and nights of sleep interrupted, and at times watching my baby fight for her very life. And so, there was also fear, and heartache, and every other emotion that could possibly add to this tumultuous cycle.
So, as fall approaches, I have to confess:
Yes, I’m worried.
Yes, I’m concerned.
But, it’s more than that.
It’s the anxiety that starts on the inside- a sick feeling in my gut, a dizzy tension in my head, a heavy ache in my heart.
It’s that anxiety that slowly leaks to the surface of life- as tears from my eyes, as exhaustion on my face.
It’s the kind that leaves you replaying all the hard moments and wondering if the winter you faced last year is the same one you will face again; and you ponder how you will possibly make it through and if your heart can handle such discouraging blows once more.
It’s the kind that leaves you tossing and turning at night, begging God for something different.
This type of anxiety is one I have never experienced before.
Yes, it is MORE than just worry.
Yes, it is MORE than just concern.
It feels overwhelming and out of control and makes me physically sick- IF I allow it.
And, I think in my humanity this anxiety is expected.
BUT, that’s all the more reason why I have to remind myself that I do have some choice in the matter.
You see, I have lived long enough to recognize that my emotions and feeling are not the absolute measure of truth. In fact, my feeling are often not truth tellers at all.
And here, as my anxiety overtakes me, I must choose to breathe in truth. CONSTANTLY.
I must choose to remind myself of what is, NOT what could possibly maybe happen. For what good does it do for me to waste the good days worried about the bad ones that COULD be ahead? But will potentially never transpire?
I must choose to be hopeful in every circumstance, casting off the doubt and fear that can so easily entangle and prevent me from really living life.
I must choose to take hold of my thoughts and renew my mind, placing them back into the hands of the Giver of every good thing.
" We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:5
Have you ever struggled with anxiety? If so, I would encourage you along with myself to be intentional today. To intentionally choose to hand over the burden to the Good Father. To intentionally be present in the day God has given. To intentionally choose gratitude for the good moments rather than anxiously awaiting another bad one.
Yes, anxiety can feel as if it is overtaking, without little choice of our own.
BUT, as we feel it rise, may we lift our hands and humble our hearts and ask once more that God bring peace. And that He help us trust even when we aren't sure how.
" Cast your anxieties on Him for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
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