I Am Not Okay
It was a month and a half ago that I wrote a blog post titled “What If God Says No”. Later that week, God did, in fact, say no, and we found out we will be losing our precious 2-year-old princess. Although we knew there was always a possibility of this happening, we were confident that she was going to be ours forever. We were totally shocked when our court case that was supposed to last all day got thrown out shortly after it started due to an unprepared lawyer.
We are currently in the process of transitioning our daughter to go live with her first parents and will be losing her for good in the middle of January. By the time that she leaves, we will have had her two weeks shy of two years.
And I am not okay.
Everything I wrote in my last blog post is still true.
I believe that since God said no, He has eternal things planned.
I know that He is in control.
But I am not okay.
We have been asking God to help us love her first parents and we are building a relationship with them that we pray will continue long past this time of transition. We know God’s heart is for them and He is giving us a heart for them. Loving those who are taking our child has not been an easy task. But without them we would never have had her.
How can we love her and not love them?
We cannot.
How can we love Him and not love them?
We cannot.
So we allow God to love them through us.
But I am not okay.
Walking this road has been our most difficult season. I cannot put into words what it is like to watch her leave every week to go on her visits. We are praying it gets easier on everyone, but right now she is confused and angry. We are hurt and angry. We do everything we can to make this easier on her, but as soon as she is out the door, my husband and I just look at each other. Our eyes communicate what our voices cannot. We are emotionally spent. The stress and trauma of loss are so raw that I am constantly at the end of me. And when Mommy is struggling, my children are the ones who suffer the most.
And it is not okay.
I have been doing a study of the names of God, and today God reminded me that He is Elohim Ozer Li,
God My Helper. Psalm 54:4 reminds me that “Behold, God is my Helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.” (ESV)
He knows what I am going through. What I am experiencing is only a small taste of what He went through. He willingly gave up His Son for my eternity. He watched His Son suffer. His Son whom He loved. As one who has walked this path before, He will uphold me. In my time of distress, I need only to cry out to Elohim Ozer Li, God My Helper.
What about you? Are you okay? Or, like me, are you in a season that leaves you constantly just one step away from losing your stuff?
No matter what you are going through, God is not a far-off spectator, but a present help in trouble.
He wants to wade right into your mess and help you navigate through your most difficult seasons.
What scriptures has God used to help you through your most difficult seasons? Please share them with us so we can allow God to encourage us through each other.
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This post was written by one of our new contributors, Bethany Slocum. Bethany is a mom to 4 daughters, wife of the pastor, and most importantly a child of the One True King. In her 6 short years of marriage, she’s worked through depression, overcome 3 years of infertility, miscarried 4 babies, birthed her miracle baby, adopted a teenager, adopted a baby through foster care, and sent foster children home. Through all of these experiences, God has taught her to “consider it pure joy when you face trials of many kinds”, but she is also very real about her struggles. Bethany loves to teach scripture and encourage others towards a passionate pursuit of Christ.