Updated: May 9, 2019
I stood there helplessly watching as they loaded my baby who was currently seizing into the helicopter.
It had been over an hour. She had received multiple medications. Her blood vein was blown from the IV attempts. They had drilled the needed medication into her bone. Still her little body rapidly convulsed. Still her little eyes were unresponsive. Still she gasped for air with each breathe she took.
I had grown accustomed to small seizures and 911 calls—though each time continued to shake me to my core. THIS though. THIS was a whole new hard. This was too long. This was too much.
I observed it's propeller cutting through the clear blue sky as the life flight chopper lifted into the air with my baby inside of it
I’m not usually one to curse, let alone curse at God. But my heart was aching-- my humanity was in full force—and the words that came from my mouth indicated such things.
“Where the H*LL are you God?!?”
It felt like an angry shout, but I think it was more of a bereaved whisper.
This type of scenario wipes away all inhibitions and the real raw conversations of a desperate heart take place.
No part of this journey made any sense to me. No part of my begging and pleading and faithfully believing—with no new answer or relief—made any sense at all.
And it was at moments like this that my heart threatened to grow calloused to the God who can bring relief right now, but doesn’t.
It was at moments like this that in the most human portion of my heart I sincerely wanted to spit in the face of a God who is powerful, but seemed to be withholding His power.
With every ounce of my humanity I wanted to walk away, call it quits with this whole faith mantra.
I know. I know. That sounds incredibly prideful and ridiculous.
And it is—though most often my urge was not motivated from a place of pride but a place of complete and utter brokenness.
Because the flowery words that previously seemed so comforting no longer bring comfort here.
And all the promises that were previously so easy to believe in, suddenly feel uncertain.
This is the place of my faith wrestling—a part of my journey that was and is SO vital.
This is the place where I tried to just step away from God for a minute, but it seemed the more steps I took, the greater lengths He went to pursue me.
This is the place where I just said all the things and He seemed to remain unchanged by my anger and cursing and unkind remarks.
THIS is the place where I doubted and I questioned, and still God was faithful.
At times I wanted to deny Him with this very breathe He gave me—
But I just—I couldn’t.
Because His presence and His love and His peace and His provision was so incredibly obvious—yes, even here on the pavement of a parking lot where my child was just taken by air ambulance.
Here’s what I want you to know:
God is not offended by the honest cries of your desperate heart.
He is not changed by your doubt and questions.
And though you may take steps away from Him—He does NOT leave you. He won’t.
It’s in these places that our faith is tested—and then made strong.
It’s in these places that we doubt God—and then we come to know Him in a way we never could have before.
It’s in these places, where the depravity of the human heart comes raging to the surface— and yet there is still grace and love just abounding.
Here in these moments of faith wrestling— we decide once and for all what we will cling to—the HOPE of an eternal God who has made an eternal way OR no hope at all.
My prayer is that as you find yourself wrestling, you will also find hope.
A hope that has already overcome the broken scenarios that this world offers us.
And that, as you too allow your broken heart to be vulnerable before an almighty Lord, you will find yourself resting in the goodness of a Father who is enough to redeem the mess of it all-- YES, even when you question and doubt and say all the wrong things.
"How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? ... But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me." Psalm 13:1-2 & 5-6
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