I stood in the church foyer with tear-stained cheeks and a weary heart. It had been another hard week.
Another medical emergency. Another traumatizing experience. Another fight for my child’s life.
I had stayed multiple nights in the children’s hospital holding my exhausted but restless child as she tried to come down off the medication that had been given.
Now we were home and, in an effort to maintain normalcy, we were at church going about the normal ministry responsibilities that awaited us.
Physically, I was exhausted. Spiritually, mentally and emotionally—even more so.
I found myself discussing our circumstance with a fellow church-goer and family friend, and in an attempt to encourage He spoke words that haunted me.
“Just think of how God is using this,” he said.
Looking back, I recognize what he was trying to communicate, but in the moment with my heart raw and my anger fresh, I couldn’t help but shake my head.
Using this? Using this pain? Using her suffering? If this is how God uses people than He can just use someone else.
I didn’t say it out loud, but in the quiet, in the crevice’s of my heart, the places I had promised to lay bare before the Lord—I felt it and I whispered it and I wrote it down.
The pain was fresh and I was still wrestling with Lord—I didn’t want to be used.
At some point in my journey the wrestling stopped.
At least it grew less intense.
As I chose surrender, I recognized that God was using this-- this painful thing.
Yes, my pain had a purpose.
Perhaps the very thing I had been fighting –“being used”--- was exactly what would be a life preserve amidst these waves that threatened to overtake me.
And I whispered, "God, if we must walk this path, please don't waste it."
* this is an excerpt from the free eBook "Escaping Survival Mode". To get your copy, subscribe today *