I had read this particular Scripture before, I’m certain.
But this time was different. As I read, one specific verse jumped out at me. It was under the heading “Jesus heals the sick.”
“ News about Him spread all over Syria, and people brought him all who were ill with various diseases, those suffering severe pain, the demon possessed, those having seizures, and the paralyzed; and He healed them.”
Seizures.
The word literally stopped me in my place. I read the verse again. And again.
Seizures were unfortunately something I was very familiar with. For the last 3 years of life, seizures have plagued my beautiful little girl. They have threatened her life. They have wreaked havoc on her brain. They have brought struggle to her every day and chaos to our ordinary.
You see, I knew that Jesus healed the blind man--- that’s a heartwarming story, but I’m not blind.
I knew He helped the lame walk--- that’s nice, but I’m not lame.
Seizures. The idea of Jesus healing someone with seizure felt a bit too personal… and not necessarily in a good way. The Scripture seemed to grater against my heart.
And I wondered if the same was true for the momma of the blind baby each time she heard the sermon preached about Jesus healing the blind man.
Or for the momma of the child unable to walk, when she heard the stories of Christ healing the lame.
I guess in the back of my mind, I must have always known that at some point in Jesus’ ministry he had healed someone with seizures. He is the master healer after all. But seeing it come to life on the page of my Bible struck me in such an uncertain way.
Early on in my daughter’s journey with seizures, I wrestled with God A LOT. I desperately wanted to understand, but I just couldn’t.
I prayed. I cried. I begged. I questioned. I screamed.
If God is healer, if He is God, if He can…. Why has He not?
I have prayed thousands of times that God would take this away from her.
I believe with all my heart that He could, that He can---- that He is big enough and powerful enough.
But, he hasn’t.
He hasn’t taken away her seizures.
And quite frankly, that’s a hard one. One I had made peace with until today, when my eyes met the page of Matthew 4, and I found myself asking again.
I’ll just come forth and say--- I really don’t know. Despite my best efforts to fully understand, I don’t.
But here are a few Biblical answers that give me some hope amidst walking an un-healed journey:
1. We live in a broken world. You see, this was NEVER the plan. God did not create a broken world with heartache and struggle and sickness. BUT, He did allow us to choose and from the beginning of humanity—from that first act of Adam and Eve choosing their own way instead of God’s--- the world became broken. This curse can be found in Genesis 3. The same concept is found in Romans:
“Consequently, just as one trespass resulted in condemnation for all people, so also one righteous act resulted in justification and life for all people. For just as through the disobedience of the one man the many were made sinners, so also through the obedience of the one man the many will be made righteous.” Romans 5:18-19
2. God sees the BIG picture that I cannot yet recognize. This journey really causes us to decide IF we trust God or not. God cannot be defined by our feelings or circumstance, though we often feel He should be. If we trust God, we must trust the reality that He is at work--- even in the hardest circumstance. That for some reason, this circumstance is one that will turn to good in some way. Though, I struggle with the idea of my baby suffering, I do recognize the many people who have found hope and faith through our journey. I trust that God, even now, is redeeming this mess.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
3. Ultimately, there is a way, and will be a time for my child's’ healing. I want God to heal my daughter here and now. But, if He doesn’t, I recognize that the here and now is simply one short leg of our journey. I recognize that this life is just preparation for a much longer stay—all of eternity with my Savior. And, I recognize that through that God-man coming to earth, walking among us, healing, and eventually giving His life in my place He offered a way for my child to be healed. For all of us to be healed. Ultimately, the healing has already been provided. No, we may not experience it in this broken lifetime, but I’m convinced of the goodness He offers when every things is made right again.
“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” Romans 21:4
So, though my heart may always wonder a bit, I find some peace and hope in Him.
May you too find hope, even amidst the heartache, as you trust in a God who can, but has not--- at least not yet!
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